Another story of mine..

i write it quite in a rush, since i feel like i really, really wanna write it and i afraid this feeling gonna vanish soon *since i'm easy to get bored while writing*
well,it's been a month since this thing getting my nerve. let's imagine this situation first.
You,get invited in your friend's agenda where you know no one but 3 people like he said *just acquaintance,tough*. He invite you and told you it just a little agenda with his little brother and sister from some organization and he asking your help to assist him there. And in H-day, you just realize that he bring his whole,yeah..i repeat A WHOLE *well,almost* all his family too to get holiday together with us *the organizations thing,i mean*. Unfortunately,he saw you before you can excuse yourself to buried your face somewhere to not be seen. You just can cursing all the way because that unexpected situation *yeah,blame yourself then to can't handle that*. Once you unite with that group *about 40 from his organization and 40 from his family*,you just can keep plastered your awkward smile to pretending that your fine with that situation BUT ACTUALLY, YOU ARE NOT!! You keep cursing on your mind and keep chanting some spell hoping it would work and you disappeared  from there quitely *sigh*. And you can't blame his little sister and brother and some of his family looking at you curiously *and somehow looking annoyed(?)* since they didn't know who is this stranger girl and what will she does with them. Blame this friend of yours, he's the one who take lead as the main instructor and keep busy all the day *without even bother to introduce you to others* *deep sigh*. How should you faced them? Introducing your own self to others? Pretending you already knew them all? Or just ignored them and go have fun by yourself? The last options sounds the best,right? And you really wish you pick the last option. But,you aren't that rebel to do that. As a good guess, you keep try to tag along with others even when no one bother to talk to you that time. You keep taking some candid photo *well,they didn't look at your camera when you try to take their photos.why should they??!?* and while others have their own business, you strolling around the beach to calming your mood and try enjoying the day. But it's a total failure. Your heart and mind won't compromised and letting you have fun. You admit that you love going to beach, but well..it just your regret take the most space. As the day passed which feels like centuries for you, nothing changes much. You still like alone there *cause he busy with his own business,remember?* and nothing much you've done except calling your friend to whining bout your condition, texting to decrease your upset feels, listen to some music nonstop from the very start you reach that group till you leave that group in the end of the day, taking some candid photos, watching them having fun, wishing the waves could bring you back home, writing some name on the sands repeatedly, going back and forth in the foreshore, tanning while sitting on the rocks *yeah,like your skin need to get more exotic than before*, do some chit chat with his sister and his mom for a moment *yeah,you knew them both but it's not like you already feel comfortable with that* *even you thinking that them both didn't know your existence until you appear between them*, holding and packing some his stuff when he can't handle it by himself *well,you still doing your assistant's job to be done..that's why you are there at the first place, right*, and what else? Hey,that's quite a lot thing to do right. Then why should you complaint about it. What you really want actually? Wishing him telling you the actual condition that his organization and his family going along? Wishing him to introduce you in the very first time you come and accompanying you all the time so you didn't feel awkward later? Wishing him to read your mind what you truly wanna do? So blame yourself to not telling him directly that you feel uncomfortable there and what you really wanna do. Blame yourself cause you can't tag along with others comfortably. Blame yourself to keep upset to him yet you hide that behind those awkward smile of yours. Yeah,blame yourself to not able saying your true feeling that day to him yet you keep it hidden till now and make your relationship with him screwed cause of that. You upset with only your own feeling,actually. Yet you blaming him. You still didn't know does he know your feeling *however you wish he should to know that without you telling him properly* or he still didn't know what actually he did to you that make you avoid him in the very place. You guess the second one is the answer. But you don't know how to tell him directly,all you can do just blabbering to your close friends hoping get some get solutions for your problem. Well,it doesn't help much actually besides your friends telling you to make up with him immediately.
well,well..i think the summary of this story are: 1. you get upset to yourself for those awkward situation; 2. you regret that you can't tell him properly what your real feeling; 3. you have a big expectation that he will fully understand you *yeah,read your mind for exact*; 4. you think his expectation on you too high too, so he think you'll easily tag along with his group without his concern to act first introducing you.
*sigh* and for some problem up there, i try asking some friend what will they do if they stuck in that state. they said, "it's normal if you get upset. but who you are to get mad weekly to him? friend supposed to telling each other even if it hurts right? and with not telling him your problem,he won't understand the reason behind your sulking."
yeah,they're right. so here you are, try to write all your feeling *cause you really dunno what should be done to fix this problem* and while writing these story somehow you feel much better *maybe you just need more space to pour all your feels here*. and,well..i'm not going to expecting much anymore from anybody at anytime in any conditions *erm,i'll try at least*. pfiuh,it take few hours just to write this with much effort at the start *to not keep upset every time i remember this story*. but like i told before,i'm getting much better as this posting reaching the end. besides, it's already past a month for strawberries sake. uhh.. i can't let this feeling eat me up and keep silent all the time.

Loneliness

Bagian paling sakit dari sendirian adalah kesepian. Mungkin kamu bebas ketika sendirian, tapi kamu pasti kesepian. Mungkin bisa ngaku happy karna punya banyak teman, tapi ketika pulang dan sendirian, kamu tetap kesepian.

___AriefMuhammad___

*taken from: Arief"sQuote *

iseng ngintip-ngintipin beberapa blog beberapa hari yg lalu, nemu kutipan diatas. somehow kalimatnya eye catching gitu. sebenernya ga ada yg salah dengan kesepian dan kesendirian. selama ngejalaninnya ya ga dipikirin banget dan enjoy-enjoy aja. dan,ini apasih yg lagi dibahas? mendadak... ah,sudahlah. yg pasti ga ada yg salah dengan kesendirian. kasian, udah sendirian disalah-salahin pula..